I wasn’t doing it right.
Okay, maybe there’s not a “right” and “wrong” way to date, but there are “healthy” and “unhealthy” ways to go about it. And I definitely wasn’t going about it in a healthy way.
The cycle would be the same: I’d go into dating with the mentality that I would find the One. And with that determination, I’d meet people, sift them through my husband sieve (which has a lot of very small holes that not a lot of people fit through,) and make a judgment based on those parameters. Not husband material? No second date.
Then I’d attach to someone (or my idealization of them,) and, sooner or later, it would implode. My expectations were just too heavy. It was like trying to carry all of your groceries inside in one trip. It’s possible to do, but not very comfortable. And you feel really relieved when the pressure is off of you.
What if I looked at dating instead as multiple trips to the same destination? What if I just took one bag at a time until they were all out of my car and I’d reached my goal?
I started reading a book lately called How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud (highly recommend it to all my single friends.) It was recommended to me by a friend who saw my struggle with these heavy expectations. The book has been extremely instrumental in how I am entering into this new phase of dating. It’s not about husband-hunting, and it’s certainly not about expectations.
So I developed a plan – I was going to date, and date the “right” way. Instead of dating with the intent to find my husband, I was going to date for the sake of dating. For some people, this is NOT a healthy way to date. It simply depends on your limitations and where you’re at in your emotional, spiritual, and relational journey. I’m still at the beginning of this journey, but I’m already learning.
And stemming off of the book, I’ve come to a few conclusions myself – especially about how I’ve approached dating in the past.
1. Let go of your previous dating experiences, positive or negative. Dwelling on what went wrong in past relationships won’t help you make the next one better. I spent a long time being bitter and angry at myself after my first boyfriend broke up with me. Guess how much good that did? ZILCH. Now, I see it as a learning experience instead. Stop blaming yourself! Sometimes relationships go wrong or don’t work out, and oftentimes it’s nobody’s fault. I’ve had great relationship experiences and awful ones – that’s life. You have the power to break free from negative, unhealthy patterns – but you have to put in some legwork to do it.
2. If you’re desperate, you’re doing it wrong. This is the bottom line of dating. Don’t be desperate. Don’t start dating out of desperation, and don’t enter into a relationship out of desperation. Whether you’re a man or a woman, no date or relationship is worth being desperate over. When you’re desperate, it’s difficult to look beyond your own needs – your needs are important, but you shouldn’t expect someone to meet all of them for you.
3. If you think you’re a hopeless case, you will be a hopeless case. You have to see yourself as a catch before anyone else does. I used to lament that no one will find me attractive, that I’m a charity case, or just a Goodwill throwaway. What you think becomes true. If you downgrade yourself on the inside, you won’t be showing your best traits to the outside world. I’ve gone on dates with people who I thought were far out of my league. I had to realize myself that I am worthy and someone would be lucky to have me. You’re not a charity case.
4. It’s not about husband-hunting. I used to go on every date trying to seek my future husband in each date I went on. I’d look so hard that sometimes I’d pretend to see him. That’s not fair for my future husband – or for me! Instead of crossing off a “grocery list” of potential suitors, I now view it as a menu at a restaurant. You have to take a look at the dishes, ingredients, and prices before you decide what you want.
5. Have zero expectations or criteria. My biggest pitfall has been making excuses for not going on a date with someone. They don’t agree with me politically. They don’t have the same taste in music. They’re just not my “type.” But that doesn’t matter – again, you’re looking at the menu. I went on a date with an atheist – I knew he was probably not husband material for that reason, but he was kind, interesting, and a good listener. We talked for almost three hours. I went on a date with someone who loves sports – I hate sports. Again, he was genuine, and we found other things we had in common and we talked at length about those. I highly encourage you to check your criteria at the door, and I guarantee you you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
6. There’s no such thing as a “bad date.” It’s bad if you perceive it as bad. But what constitutes a “bad date?” Maybe they’re a loud eater, or they’re rude, or you have nothing in common. But that doesn’t mean it was a bad date. If you learned from it, I’d say that’s a good thing, wouldn’t you?
7. Disappointment happens. Sometimes you really click with someone, but they’re not interested in going out again. Sometimes you don’t get a chance to meet up with them. Sometimes you think they’re gonna be perfect, and they’re not. Disappointment goes along with dating – do you think your parents had all flawless dates before they met each other? But checking your expectations can lessen that disappointment.
8. If you keep all this in mind, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. And believe me, it’s hard to go against everything you’ve been taught about dating. I always thought dating was about finding a husband. That’s part of it, but it can almost be considered collateral. Dating is much more than that – it’s discovering who you are, what you like, and how you interact with others. I’ve opened myself up to more opportunities by challenging my previously-held beliefs, and I’ve met some awesome people. Take it from me – it’s hard to break down those old habits of “Is this my future husband?” and “This would never work!” or “We have nothing in common!” Having a no-strings-attached view of dating after having all your strings attached isn’t easy. But I’ve managed to snip some of those strings, and I’ve surprised myself. I’ve learned a lot too – about myself and other people.
Now that I’ve given you some pointers I’ve picked up along the way, it’s your turn. Don’t think that the world will come to you and bring you a husband (or wife.) You have to get out there, whatever that looks like for you. Here’s a few things to help you get started:
Make a plan. Set goals for yourself. Again, I recommend How to Get a Date Worth Keeping. Dr. Cloud is phenomenal at helping you set goals and make a plan. How are you going to meet people? What stands in your way from meeting people right now?
Meet people. This looks different for different people. I don’t meet a lot of new people in my regular routine, and I’m not always one to be outgoing in public. I decided to go the online route (which I’ve done before, if you’ve followed my journey about a year ago,) which can be overwhelming, but there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if your lifestyle isn’t conducive to meeting new people.
Set boundaries. That sounds like something you do once you’re in a relationship, but (especially if you’re a woman; sorry ladies) it’s better to be safe than sorry. My first dates with anyone are always in public, during the day, with no alcohol involved. I’ve also made it clear on my dating profile that I’m not about hookups or one-night stands. There are a lot of great guys out there, but there are some bad apples too. However you enter into the dating pool, be careful (this goes for you too, men!)
Always, always, always be yourself. You are an amazing person and deserve to be with an amazing person! But you won’t find each other if you’re pretending to be someone you’re not. It also gets really exhausting. But people are extremely attracted to people who are 100% comfortable in their own skin, and embrace all their quirks and weirdness.
At this point, that’s all the advice (?) I can proffer at this moment. It’s a bit difficult and slightly embarrassing to say that I’m a Christian and I’m dating, but I’m not committing. “You mean you’re not dating with the intention to marry?!” Many a hand flutters to many a chest in an expression of shock. And the truth is, I’m not dating with the intent to marry – at least, not right now. I know that anyone I go on a date could potentially be my future husband, but wouldn’t it cheapen my future husband to try to see him in every man I meet?
I’d rather date with the intention to grow. It’s not about marriage or rings, or more incendiary things like hookups or sex. It’s about a conversation with someone new – no pressure for anything beyond that.
So that’s it. I’m committing to myself.
After all, I’m going to spend the rest of my life with me, aren’t I?
Audrey D. DeBoer 