Day 9: Autodomesticated Animal – Birdtalker

Ladies, I’m talking to you. Have you ever found yourself being jealous of another woman because she seems to just be so completely herself? Yeah, me too. Admirable women are the “what you see is what you get” type – she makes no bones about who she is, and it’s kind of awesome. Whether I agree with her or not, I’m downright proud of her.

Women like these are intimidating in the best way. Imagine being so completely confident in who you are and what you believe. Ain’t that the dream. Heck, I’m almost 23 years old. I’ve got time to figure all that out, but every day it seems like I’m being sent another message on how I should “be.” In order to be desirable to men, I should be “this.” In order to be a competent young professional, I should be “that.” In order to be a successful Instagram influencer, I should be “the other thing.” At the end of the day, it kinda wares on you, and with your mind bogged down with all these questions you ask – who the heck am I? Replace “heck” with whatever expletive you prefer.

This last year, I’ve learned a lot about boundaries. It’s kind of a simple concept, but revolutionary when you put it into play. It’s the idea that you have the ultimate autonomy when it comes to what you’re comfortable with – in all aspects of life. Essentially, it’s the power to say “no” and not feel terrible about it. Women especially are prone to be a bit more empathetic, to help people who are broken and put-out. But that doesn’t necessarily mean bending over backwards, even for the people you care about the most.

Day 9: Autodomesticated Animal – Birdtalker

I had to look up “autodomesticated” to properly write about this song. It not only means “domestic,” (in crude terms, housebroken; in polite terms, congenial) it also means that one was trained from birth to be domesticated. Like a puppy born into the litter of a family dog, not thrown out in a box on the side of the street to fend for itself. “Autodomesticated Animal” talks about the things women are told their whole lives of how they should “be.”

Birdtalker consists of married couple Zack and Dani Green and their friends. The Green’s vocals contribute to the breezy melody that sounds and feels like a summer day.

Tame your heart
Don’t make them go away
They’re not ready for the words you say
Lonely is the tidal wave
Keep it quiet
Always bend but don’t break

You  might argue that women are biologically predispositioned to be more caring, but there are people who would exploit that. From birth, women are taught to be sexy but also coy, to play dumb so boys will chase after them. We’re sent mixed messages – don’t be a hard-nosed working mom, but make more of your life beyond kids, gosh darn it. Don’t have too many opinions, boys don’t like that. Here’s exactly what to do to get him attracted to you. Here’s how to dress, what makeup to wear, what aesthetic to have. Bend, but don’t break.

Isn’t she wonderful
Autodomesticated animal
Ain’t it beautiful
The way she speaks her mother’s mind
Isn’t it lovely
How she cages herself inside
Oh, and ain’t it grand
The way she’s clinging to your hand

We are all of us a product of both nature and nurture, but not necessarily equal measures of both. Some of us were raised in more repressive homes, where everything needed to be perfect and right. Others were raised more free-spirited – and we’re the biproducts of all of that. A big pitfall for women can be the media that saturates their upbringing. Media messages tell us we have to be thin to be attractive, or do our hair a certain way. That we’ll only matter if we have a boyfriend, because look at the nerd in this teen rom-com! All she had to do was take off those dumb glasses and she was gorgeous!

When I was growing up, I was exposed to all of those messages, but I was fortunate enough to have parents who taught me to respect myself first. Of course, it wasn’t always easy. I didn’t wear makeup til I was fifteen. I didn’t get kissed til I was nineteen. This past year was the first year I’ve ever owned a curling iron. I swear. But my parents taught me that it was okay to march to the beat of my own drum, no matter what anyone thought.

There were and are still pitfalls. On the Enneagram personality scale, I’m a solid three, which means I feel like I constantly need to “perform” for people, which is why I resonate so much with this song. I need to be something for everyone.

Move your body this way kid
Be a little naked
But not too naked
You’re here for the others
So serve them first
You’re too soft if you say it hurts

“You’re too soft if you say it hurts.” Again with the boundaries thing. It wasn’t until this year, really, that I realized that there are a lot of things in this world that are, frankly, none of my business, and if it is, I’ll do my best. If I want something done, I should get it done myself. This past winter I got a nasty stomach bug and was awake the whole night doing exactly what you think. In the morning, I dragged my carcass to Dollar General to get some Gatorade and saltine crackers, then went home and cleaned my bathroom. The word self-care was taken to a whole new level. I pride myself in being fairly independent, but that brings us to the bridge.

 

And in the right light
In the embers of the setting sun
She lets herself cry
For all the times she doesn’t run
Oh, as fast as she can
The other way
As fast as she can

You might think I’m saying, “Oh my gosh, guys, it’s so hard being a woman in this society.” But I’m not. I know men also have their own subset of troubles that I’m not qualified enough to talk about, other than I know many men who struggle with body image and self-esteem. In a media-saturated culture, we get a lot of different messages every day about who we should be, what we should look like, how we should talk. We’re all in our own way “autodomesticated.”

I don’t like the word “pretty.” I think it’s over-used and superficial. I think a dress or a necklace or a lipstick shade can be pretty, but women are beyond just “pretty.” I promise it’s better to call a woman “beautiful” than “pretty.” Beauty has depth beyond the surface. To call a woman beautiful is to tell her she is valued, she is appreciated, and she is loved.

Or, I’ll do you one better. One time a friend of mine called me “resilient.” I remember exactly what we were doing when they told me that. People have called me pretty before, but I probably couldn’t tell you one specific instance. I’d rather be called resilient – that word has beauty of its own.

So yes, we might be “autodomesticated” by time and tide, but that doesn’t mean we can’t break once in awhile.

She’s so fine, inside the lines…